Remember that time I shared my disastrous Tinder experience online?
Well believe it or not, that turned out to be one of my most popular posts to date. People often still talk about it now, by sharing it online or bringing it up in conversation with me.
So with that being said - and the fact you all clearly love it when I talk about my misfortune - here's another one for ya...
I have had 3 near death experiences over the years, all of which involve the same deadly substance: WATER.
Of all the 'adventurous' ways to leave this planet, I just know that in some way or form, I am going to drown.
This may sound incredibly morbid... but I can feel it in my bones.
My wet, soggy bones.
So without further ado, let's "dive" into my first deadly encounter.
The River Run
Whoever invented the "River Run" has some serious issues. Why would you ever install secret jets underneath the water?!
When I was 14 years old, my family and I went on holiday with some friends to Orlando, Florida.
As you do, we rocked up at the waterpark one day and was having a great time...
It didn't take long before my friend and I were in the water. From what I can remember, the River Run was designed in an 'S' shape. The width of the pool was very thin and was crammed with other holidaymakers and their inflatables.
The next thing I knew, a jet from beneath the surface knocked me off my feet and 'whooshed' me underneath a sea of rubber rings.
As someone with poor balance / mobility, I could not find a way back up.
The initial panic and helplessness is something I will never forget.
Eventually a hand came down from the Gods (aka my friend had noticed I was nowhere to be seen) and pulled me back to Earth.
Ships & Castles
These words send shivers down my spine. A lot of my friends already know this story and take great pleasure in winding me up.
But OH. MY. GOD - how has this place not been shut down yet? It's an absolute death trap.
I'm still alive... (just)
Ships & Castles is the name of a Leisure Centre based in Falmouth, Cornwall.
Through no fault of their own, another supposedly "fun" day out ended in disaster for me.
(Photos via www.better.org.uk)
A good few years back, I was comfortably floating in the shallow end of the pool (LOL), next to what I can only describe as an 'underwater bubble fountain'.
Before I knew it, I lost my balance and ended up face down on top of it. As I tried to swim away, it's shear strength kept dragging me back in.
I could not breathe. They say that when you die, you see 'the light'...
Well I saw Casper the ghost and a whole array of colours.
The worst / most hilarious part about this story is the fact my mum was no more than an arms reach away. After what felt like a lifetime of underwater struggles, she eventually lifted my head and sat me back up.
I was coughing and spluttering everywhere, much to everyone's surprise. In my mums own words, she thought I was just "having a great time", so thought she'd leave me to it...
Cheers for that!
The Wave Machine
Last but not least, my most recent death trap came in the form of a wave machine at Butlins, Minehead.
Seriously, if I wanted waves I'd go to the beach, NOT A CHILDREN'S RESORT!
Imagine the inside of a washing machine... Yep, that was me being thrown about.
The above photo is a screenshot taken from actual footage of the event. On reflection, the lifeguard is too busy smiling at the camera, to even notice my struggles!
In the end, it took two people to keep me afloat until the tsunami stopped - one person had hold of my head, whilst the other had my legs.
Although this photo does not do the event justice - trust me when I say it was not pretty.
So there we have it! My 3 near death experiences.
It's a miracle that I'm alive, let alone the fact I still love water.
My family are so scared that I'm gonna drown, I'm not even allowed in my hot tub alone anymore. Hence the sexy neck collar, you're welcome.
P.S. If anybody struggles for Christmas present ideas for me this year, a pair of arm bands would be lovely. Cheers!